I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
