I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
