I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize