so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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