how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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