The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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