question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
