good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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