glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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