I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize