I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
