You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
