ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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