I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize