Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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