I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize