The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
