We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love accidental penises.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
