Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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