i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
