fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
