I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
