Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
