i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
