He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize