The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's always time for handjobs
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
