I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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