What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
