The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
