I got her a Nickelback box set.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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