Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
