I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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