Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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