my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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