just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
