I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
