I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
