i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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