Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
