I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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