Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
