I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
