ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize