i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
