I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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