Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
