I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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