god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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