my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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