just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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