Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
