Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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