I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
