The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
