Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
