I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
