I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
