i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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