Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
