My hand turned me down
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
