My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
