How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My pussy is not your playground.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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